You are walking along some generic beach in some nice tropical island. You are, of course, in a dream.
You happen to spot a lamp lying out near the rocks, and you squeal in delight as you sprint over towards it. But you soon see that this is no golden Aladdin lamp. No, this lamp is made of crumpled aluminum foil, with cheap gold paint flaking off the handle and crusted marinara sauce from some teenager's Bagel Bites.
It's quite a sketchy lamp. Still, who are you to judge a magical genie's choice of residence, especially when he can grant wishes? You rub the lamp anyway.
GENIE: *wheeze* (waving arms, trying to clear the dust and sand) What the bloody hell do you want?! Egh.
You: So you're the genie in this lamp?
GENIE: (glaring) Look here sonny, you don't go around asking a homeless guy if that cardboard box he's sitting on is his house, so where the hell do you get off on asking something so asinine?
You: Oh, no no, that's not what I meant at all! I uh, I really like your lamp! It's very, um, economical.
GENIE: ...
You: Anyway, do I get my three wishes?
GENIE: (pulling the lid back down)
You: Wait, no! Come on, I'll bet an old genie like you has granted tons of wishes before!
GENIE: Yup, calling me an old fart is definitely helping your case right now.
You: Please? Please? Please? Please? Ple-
GENIE: Whoever told you "please" is the magic word was full of shit and couldn't tell the difference between magic and a light bulb. Stop that.
You: (pause) Please?
GENIE: ....Fine. I'll tell you the same thing I tell everyone else who's found me on this generic beach that doesn't even exist. On another note, have you noticed how everyone around here is either naked or can fly?
You: ...
GENIE: So to answer your question, yes, you do get to say three wishes-
You: Sweet! My first wish will be to ha-
GENIE: ....three wishes that I will take away from you.
You: What?!
GENIE: You say three wishes, and on your command, I will remove them from your conscience for as long as you live. You won't ever think about those wishes again.
You: Why on earth would I want to do that?!
GENIE: Suit yourself. You'd be surprised at the results though; no doubt that I make people happier than that idiotic Smurf of a genie in that lame Disney movie.
*************************
Be careful what you wish for because you often don't end up any happier than you were before, blah blah, cliche stuff. That's a lesson everyone should have heard by now.
But let me ask you this: would you take the genie's offer?
My instinctive reaction is to say no; figuring out why that's the case has proven much more difficult.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Interrogation
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2013/12/09/131209fa_fact_starr
The most terrifying thing that happened to me last semester had nothing to do with school.
I was interrogated for 2 hours by the university police as a suspect in a laptop/iPad theft from the summer. No matter that I had also had my wallet stolen around the same time -- since I was one of the roommates and I just happened to work at MGH (where a wifi signal was apparently traced to), there was reason enough to consider me as a particularly juicy suspect for the case.
At first they were reasonable. I had chatted with them over the phone during the summer regarding the case, so I figured this meeting was simply a follow-up to make sure they had the details straight.
Oh, but was I mistaken.
After some not-so-pleasant pleasantries, the lead interrogator promptly whipped out a voice recorder and a massive 50 page stack of documents, presumably all "proof" that I was the criminal. In retrospect, I should have realized that this whole thing was a massive farce; in the 5-10 seconds that I was able to sneak a glimpse at the stack of papers, all I could see was complete gibberish.
But I was too frightened to be rational. In truth, I was shitting bricks.
See, I had always thought it would be easy to prove your innocence if you were, in fact, innocent. There's that saying "if you're innocent, then you have nothing to fear," and I'd say in many situations, that's probably true.
But when you're dealing with a duo of supremely biased "investigators" with the tunnel vision of an earthworm digging in a dung pile, you would be surprised how difficult of a task it can become. Correlation and coincidence is their energy source, and if you gather the courage to point that out, they invariably exclaim that "you're hiding something from them."
I have to admit, they were so insistent on saying that I was responsible that at one point, I almost started to believe them. They were winning this game of psychological intimidation, and I was terrified.
Yet, they began to slip. Their questions became less and less specific. When I asked to know precisely what "all of this evidence" actually was that they kept referring to, they said "knowledge of that evidence is not necessary." And when I kept denying that I was the thief and that their entire case was built on circumstantial evidence that they couldn't even produce to show me, they asked If not you, then who?
I didn't have an answer to that idiotic question. Of course I don't fucking know who did it. Did it ever occur to you two monkeyheads that if I knew the answer to that question, no one would still be missing their wallet/laptop/iPad?
I was still shaken at that point, though. What really did those two interrogators in was what they asked next:
"Would you say that you usually walk up the stairs pretty quickly?"
Uh....what the actual fuck did you just ask me?
"Because we know that on the night of the theft, you climbed 3 flights of stairs in a very short amount of time. Why were you in such a hurry?"
Okay then, this interrogation is probably going to end in five minutes, tops.
Having lost a major chunk of their credibility, I almost caught myself scoffing when they closed the interrogation with "We'll be in touch, Ryan. Here's my card if there's anything you want to tell us. Remember that it will look favorable for you in court if you cooperated with us now."
Yeah, and after I cooperate with you two, let me tell you about this one time my pet cow flew to the moon and back..
The most terrifying thing that happened to me last semester had nothing to do with school.
I was interrogated for 2 hours by the university police as a suspect in a laptop/iPad theft from the summer. No matter that I had also had my wallet stolen around the same time -- since I was one of the roommates and I just happened to work at MGH (where a wifi signal was apparently traced to), there was reason enough to consider me as a particularly juicy suspect for the case.
At first they were reasonable. I had chatted with them over the phone during the summer regarding the case, so I figured this meeting was simply a follow-up to make sure they had the details straight.
Oh, but was I mistaken.
After some not-so-pleasant pleasantries, the lead interrogator promptly whipped out a voice recorder and a massive 50 page stack of documents, presumably all "proof" that I was the criminal. In retrospect, I should have realized that this whole thing was a massive farce; in the 5-10 seconds that I was able to sneak a glimpse at the stack of papers, all I could see was complete gibberish.
But I was too frightened to be rational. In truth, I was shitting bricks.
See, I had always thought it would be easy to prove your innocence if you were, in fact, innocent. There's that saying "if you're innocent, then you have nothing to fear," and I'd say in many situations, that's probably true.
But when you're dealing with a duo of supremely biased "investigators" with the tunnel vision of an earthworm digging in a dung pile, you would be surprised how difficult of a task it can become. Correlation and coincidence is their energy source, and if you gather the courage to point that out, they invariably exclaim that "you're hiding something from them."
I have to admit, they were so insistent on saying that I was responsible that at one point, I almost started to believe them. They were winning this game of psychological intimidation, and I was terrified.
Yet, they began to slip. Their questions became less and less specific. When I asked to know precisely what "all of this evidence" actually was that they kept referring to, they said "knowledge of that evidence is not necessary." And when I kept denying that I was the thief and that their entire case was built on circumstantial evidence that they couldn't even produce to show me, they asked If not you, then who?
I didn't have an answer to that idiotic question. Of course I don't fucking know who did it. Did it ever occur to you two monkeyheads that if I knew the answer to that question, no one would still be missing their wallet/laptop/iPad?
I was still shaken at that point, though. What really did those two interrogators in was what they asked next:
"Would you say that you usually walk up the stairs pretty quickly?"
Uh....what the actual fuck did you just ask me?
"Because we know that on the night of the theft, you climbed 3 flights of stairs in a very short amount of time. Why were you in such a hurry?"
Okay then, this interrogation is probably going to end in five minutes, tops.
Having lost a major chunk of their credibility, I almost caught myself scoffing when they closed the interrogation with "We'll be in touch, Ryan. Here's my card if there's anything you want to tell us. Remember that it will look favorable for you in court if you cooperated with us now."
Yeah, and after I cooperate with you two, let me tell you about this one time my pet cow flew to the moon and back..
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Mentees and mentors
I may have hit a new milestone in my natural progression towards old age.
Said my 4th grade mentee: "Clearly, you've never been a kid."
Well then.
Said my 4th grade mentee: "Clearly, you've never been a kid."
Well then.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Jelly Belly
I recently learned that a lot of people actually like the Juicy Pear flavored jelly beans. Apparently, a friend of mine used to buy entire bags of nothing but purified, uncontaminated Juicy Pears from the Jelly Belly factory and munch away while doing her homework.
Now personally, I find them more or less equivalent to artificially colored pills of shit. (pvalue = 0.051)
But no matter. As the next logical course of action, I then turned to Yahoo! Answers to get a definitive and accurate survey on this pressing matter from the best and brightest minds of our generation.
The results rolled in, and it turned out that Juicy Pear was incredibly polarizing. Of course, I found more than a few of my fellow Juicy Pear haters on those sacred Yahoo! threads. Yet I also discovered a shocking number of Juicy Pear maniacs lurking amongst the rest of us. Just what, I asked myself, did such intelligent people perceive in these jelly beans that I did not?
(Yes, this is a metaphor for our political opinions).
Now personally, I find them more or less equivalent to artificially colored pills of shit. (pvalue = 0.051)
But no matter. As the next logical course of action, I then turned to Yahoo! Answers to get a definitive and accurate survey on this pressing matter from the best and brightest minds of our generation.
The results rolled in, and it turned out that Juicy Pear was incredibly polarizing. Of course, I found more than a few of my fellow Juicy Pear haters on those sacred Yahoo! threads. Yet I also discovered a shocking number of Juicy Pear maniacs lurking amongst the rest of us. Just what, I asked myself, did such intelligent people perceive in these jelly beans that I did not?
(Yes, this is a metaphor for our political opinions).
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Basketball
Somehow, without my knowledge, I've turned into a basketball player.
I used to entertain a tremendous variety of activities and outlets. But that's no longer the case. Outside of class and friends, my life has slowly grown to revolve entirely around research. I think I might be becoming obsessed.
It's a strange feeling, having a very clearly defined goal for once -- a basket -- just sitting there, waiting for me to take a shot. I don't think I've ever been this confident in what I plan to do.
I guess I better practice my free throws some more.
I used to entertain a tremendous variety of activities and outlets. But that's no longer the case. Outside of class and friends, my life has slowly grown to revolve entirely around research. I think I might be becoming obsessed.
It's a strange feeling, having a very clearly defined goal for once -- a basket -- just sitting there, waiting for me to take a shot. I don't think I've ever been this confident in what I plan to do.
I guess I better practice my free throws some more.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Summer
I'd say it was a summer well-spent.
1. I met tons of people, as I had hoped
2. I became friends with said people
3. I guess I kind of started dancing again, and want to keep dancing now
4. I started playing ukulele for people
5. I realized that tennis is really meant to be a social tool, not a competitive ritual to establish dominance (hahaha)
6. I didn't worry about girls
7. I finally had the time to goof around Boston, and I learned that it's a damn good walking city
8. I went to a lot of the activities, instead of camping out in my room
9. I let myself loose (see comic below)
10. I pretty much didn't write anything on the blog, which meant that I was keeping myself busy
So here I am writing some filler blog post because I still have too much energy from not having done anything interesting during the day.
1. I met tons of people, as I had hoped
2. I became friends with said people
3. I guess I kind of started dancing again, and want to keep dancing now
4. I started playing ukulele for people
5. I realized that tennis is really meant to be a social tool, not a competitive ritual to establish dominance (hahaha)
6. I didn't worry about girls
7. I finally had the time to goof around Boston, and I learned that it's a damn good walking city
8. I went to a lot of the activities, instead of camping out in my room
9. I let myself loose (see comic below)
10. I pretty much didn't write anything on the blog, which meant that I was keeping myself busy
So here I am writing some filler blog post because I still have too much energy from not having done anything interesting during the day.
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