the column that went unpublished (probably for good reason)

(written for the April/May issue)

Dear People of the Female Variety,
It is that time of year when juniors fervently and frantically romp around, worried yet hopeful. Spring! A time of great stress, studying and allergies, yet also a time of love and joy. Late nights are spent thinking and planning, and early mornings are lost to daydreaming. Now is the time that some juniors fear, yet others embrace at the same time: a true test of courage, skill and determination. How truly brave are we? How will we answer the question, yes or no, true or false? Ah yes, ‘tis the season of AP tests.

Wait, what? You were thinking of Junior Prom?

Oh. Right.

In a time when women are increasingly gaining power and influence in virtually all areas, from the workplace to the political world, there still remains one strange remnant of our sexist past: the unwritten law that men (well, arguably boys) are the ones who are supposed to ask girls to junior prom.

Women have been fighting for equality for quite a while now; isn't it time for women to take up their share of the burden?

Well, judging from what most of you females have said, the answer is a resolute and brusque “No.”

Yeah, yeah, I get the idea that “it’s a tradition,” and “guys are the ones who are supposed to be brave.” Blah, blah, blah, “we don’t want to do it, so it’s your problem.” Fine. I get that.

Still, you would think women’s rights leaders would have thought of dismantling this obsolete societal norm by now. But nooooo. You guys would much rather let us poor insecure males scramble around to figure out what to do.

Now don’t you start calling Ryan Chow a loser, or a chicken, or a cowardly turtle, or whatever. I already know that.

I’m just pointing out this strange little discontinuity in how women like to view their struggle for equality. I mean, I have no problem with equal wages and female suffrage, because those things seem pretty logical to me. But what’s the deal with dances?

Just look at this year’s Sadie’s dance. Or to be precise, this year’s lack of a Sadie’s dance.

Now to be fair, I personally like that we are expected to ask the girls; some pieces of tradition are good to keep. And if you think about it, junior prom is a bit like the encierro in San Fermin, where deranged men run amok leading angry bulls through the streets – it is a test of our manhood and man, is it scary.

So please. Couldn’t you girls at least make it easier for us? You know, maybe like drop a few hints here and there, or at least recognize that we’re planning to ask you? Because currently, we’re stealing all the fun by doing all the asking. Don’t you want to join in the fun too?

…Don’t you?

See, when I told my mom I was going to ask someone, apparently I was visibly nervous or something, because she exclaimed that she had no idea there was so much pressure on boys to ask. And I quote her word for word, “I thought it was really easy for guys to ask.”

My, is my mother mistaken.

But maybe that mentality is why this junior prom tradition still exists. I guess girls just don’t know how scary the whole thing can be. For me, it wasn’t too bad, but for one of my good friends, it’s been the most stressful event of his life. Ever since he conceived of his plan, he has been worrying and worrying. Will I mess up? Will my plan work? Will she say no?

So you see, females, we are actually very afraid of asking you to junior prom, because for one, we’re essentially trying to shoot in the dark, and two, there’s always that dreaded phrase “no.”

While I admit this tradition will not likely fade in the near future, the least you people could do is make it easier for us. If a guy is talking a lot more to you than normal, do us a favor and carry the conversation. If he’s making tons of jokes, even if they’re really, really bad, for god’s sake, laugh. These little things make our lives so much easier. And lord knows we need all the help we can get.

Heck, she changed her mind two days later.