Euphemisms

*I'm somewhat disgusted that until sophomore year, I believed in the "Friend Zone." And no, I'm not saying that just because I "got out" of the friend zone; I'm saying this because I think it's what any good human being should believe.



Dear College-Aged Males,

Hello.

Over the past two years, I have both accidentally and willingly soaked up your numerous cries of woe regarding the so-called "Friend Zone." These conversations are generally colored with a tone of embitterment and self-pity, in addition to copious volumes of disparaging remarks directed towards college-aged females. Such discussions generally build around the same thesis statement -- namely, "She's such a bitch. I can't believe I got friendzoned."

I find these conversations quite stupid.

Yes, you had a four hour long conversation with her that one night in September. You also did your organic chemistry problem sets together and you helped her move some boxes into storage. She smiled at you a grand total of 14 times and has made physical contact with you half as many times.

"Oh," but you exclaim, "she always smiles and giggles when we say hi. And when she hugs me, she leans in and never pats my back. One night when we were eating in the dining hall, she also said she was thankful for having met me."

Yes, those are signs of a decent friendship.

"Seriously. She can't just go lead me on like that! She's such a bitch."

No, that's just called being a goddamn human being. You can be nice to people without any real reason -- you should try it sometime.

"But why doesn't she like me back? I didn't do anything wrong."

Well, other than the off chance that, oh I don't know, maybe she just doesn't like you? Hmm...no, I can't think of a single reason.

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The Friend Zone is just a silly euphemism for someone not liking you back. For your sake, please man up and learn to deal with the fact that no one is obligated to like you.