X+Y=Z

"Life sucks, but the world is beautiful."

I read my vignettes from freshman English today.

I'm slightly disgusted, but still, I'm relieved that I wasn't too clueless in 9th grade. Funny how I was already writing about a lot of the same things back then - friends, being unique, honesty, whatever. I am pretentious and preachy now; I was pretentious and preachy then. Oh well.

I also looked at my first Holland essay - the whole thing about making my bed and valuing the process. And now, looking at how it eventually turned into a college essay...it's a good thing Holland had destroyed that essay.

I still wonder about that story, though. Come April, I'll find out whether S bought it. If they do, then great. [Edit: I guess they did.]

But I don't. I still don't.

Sure, I can say whatever I want about the process, and learning to look between the endpoints. But it doesn't change the fact that whatever I experience now, isn't even worth its weight in cow dung once I turn into food for the worms.

Maybe the point is that there isn't a point.

We search for it all our lives, so my mother says. In middle school, some people already start thinking about it, and in high school, most everyone does (I'm of the opinion that at some point in their life, every teenager has dealt with an existentialist crisis, no matter how clueless they may seem). 

On the cliff's edge, we're still thinking.

It's a fragile thing we have. But the fact that we will never know for sure is what makes it worth it.

Leon loves to bake because he likes knowing that if he follows a recipe, he'll always get what he wanted. It's a constant in a world of variables, and a comforting notion when most of the time, nothing ever goes that simply. I fully understand Leon's thought process; I see the appeal. Start with X, do Y, get Z. Always.

X + Y = Z

It's so simple. So tangible. So understandable.

But I wouldn't want my life to be like that. I don't want to know what my purpose is. I don't want to know what the end product photo looks like, with its perfectly goldened crusts and 5 star reviews. I don't.

I'll always know what my X is; that much I know. And there are plenty of Y's out there for me to try.

But I have only equation and one chance - one life.

I'll never be able to find Z.

And that's the point.

The whole point is that there isn't a point. That's what makes it beautiful.